how it FEELS to live in perpetual sludge
created 24-01-2024
currently:
You know what right now feels like? That period of time in-between a reset on a Minecraft factions or skyblock server where you know everything's going to be erased come a week or so but still play.
Yeah, that's right. 2024 and I still make parallels between my life and Minecraft. How the years have passed by! What a dreary thought!
For a little context, I'm at the cusp of finally 'breaking out of the nest' and making the next Very substantial step in my life. The already hefty transition from high school to university I'm expecting is compounded by the very daunting task of moving interstate with the expectation of keeping my academic marks to a high standard to stay in my dream degree.
Like, what? You're telling me that 6 months ago I wagged class to sleep in and shitpost on my meme account and now I have to rue my days trying to conjure up a mini-PHD? Where did the time go? It feels like only a few years ago I was listening to Xenogenesis by TheFatRat wasting away at a computer screen playing a pay-to-win KitPVP server with Mountain Dew on one side of the monitor and untouched homework on the other.
I'm supposed to be flying out in under two weeks and I don't know if I'm ready to let go of my hometown just yet. All my long-time friends, and new people, and how I've committed the railway to memory or my habit of biking around the neighbourhood with it mapped out on the back of my hand. I don't want to leave.
I'm not even sure if I'm USING my holidays properly. It seems like such a stupid idea: on paper, I've been achieving my goals and aspirations and have been keeping myself on track. So then why is it not enough? Have I managed to fuck up RELAXING? Nah. I'm the KING of relaxing! I'M SO FUCKING RELAXED AND FILLED WITH SERENDIPITOUS TRANQUILITY RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER! I AM AT SO MUCH PEACE I COULD STEP MY LEFT FOOT IN SOUTH KOREA AND MY RIGHT IN THE NORTH! HELL YEAH!
Beyond still feeling like what I've done isn't enough, I can't help but again, feel a deep excitement-riddled anxiety about what is to come. I was lucky enough to have been rewarded a scholarship (not full ride) that'll help out with living costs, and I've got a few friends coming along as well so it's not like I'm going to lose my support network. It's not like I'm going to black out with my friends here in my home state either. But even now, before it's happened, I'm mourning the loss of drifting away from my high school friend group. Those little rats mean more to me than they'll ever know. And I get premonitions of me, forty, probably unmarried and alone paying off the mortgage of an unspectacular suburban house, showering and thinking about the time we made loss outside the English building, with humans.
This post has become less of a coherent entry and more of a scattered rant. What I'm trying to get to is! Wow! I've been hyping up leaving this (subjective) shithole of a city for so long, but now that it's about to happen, I'm getting colder feet than a middle-aged British man on his wedding day! Where is the sense in that!
I don't know how many 'seize the days!' or 'this shit ain't nothing to me, man!'s I have left in me. All I know is I'm somehow oxymoronically bursting with excitement to start a new life in a new city and meet new people while for some reason on the constant brink of a simultaneous anxious meltdown. And that's in the future. But the future is here, now. But not now now. Right now my skin feels too tight on my bones, and my shirt is wrapping around my body in all the wrong places, and I sort of want to rip and tear my shorts into pieces. And I really wish TF2 was getting more updates. Peace.